2020 Hindsight Commentary: Won One, Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

I’m revisiting Timely Persuasion 12 years after releasing it / 17 years after writing it / 6000+ days since I jokingly told Jon Mack “maybe I’ll write a book…” with a new round of fresh eyed commentary. Today’s look at yesterday’s chapters is brought to you by Local Boy & Bob Dylan.

Won One

This chapter should have started at the bar. My younger self had a habit of writing mostly continuously, prompting these bridge scenes.

Was there really such thing as “an ample selection of microbrews” in the year 2000?

Way too many “With that I…’s” throughout. (5 to start sentences, which doesn’t seem bad but is.)

Drifting between past and present tense was an intentional choice to illustrate the way brain waves interact between two time traveling selves. It was a great idea at the time, but looks like mismatched tenses to me now.

Following the redheaded girl home could have lasted more than a sentence, giving him time to reminisce, ponder, flashback, etc.

“Thunk rhymes with drunk” as the segue out of his thoughts and into the bar still amuses me.

The BTTF quote is super forced, but I do still dig the bit at the end of this chapter when his older self takes control.

Time travel rules wise, a blackout is the perfect time for the consciousness of another self to take over (and this was written before The Butterfly Effect came out). It is a little unintuitive since you typically pick a memory to travel back to, and a blackout is the absence of one. The idea here is that you’re more susceptible to timely persuasion while in an inebriated state.

“I refuse to undo what I’ve already done!” refers to setting the sister up with Nelson — something we already know the old man will later change his mind about…or does he?

When he passes out, his other self relinquishes control and the blacked out body collapses. That’s why he doesn’t remember any of it in the next chapter.

Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

Fun fact: If there’s ever a sequel, I’ve always planned to resume chapter numbering at 27 and re-use this song for chapter 35 — revisiting the wedding from another point of view.

How could I not find a way to fit in a “No Scrubs” reference here?

This chapter may be the only time “incesticide” has ever been properly used in a sentence.

The suspense around his younger self potentially not showing up should have lasted more than a couple of sentences.

I forgot that I did use the “Is she really going out with him?” line here, which makes me annoyed my younger self didn’t think to open with it. (I also cringe at my younger self’s “b***h has him whipped” line…)

(Note: I reread my original commentary post where my younger self said he considered that opening but decided the line worked better here. He was wrong…)

The big font thing is a little obnoxious, but I love it. (Sorry, BD!)

2 “circumstances” in the same sentence of the objection. Ouch…

With that…

Also 2 dumbfoundeds in this chapter. I need to go back and gift my younger self a better thesaurus.

Lots of blows are landing square.

Dad should have threatened to kill his invisible son, mirroring the chase scene from earlier.

Yes, I am laughing that the last line of the wedding chapter is “piece of cake.”

Check out the original 2008 commentary for these chapters:

Won One  |  Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

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